The Importance of Setting Boundaries

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Written by Martina Faitakis

Thumbnail Photo by Héctor J. Rivas on Unsplash 

You know that friend that only calls you when they need something, or always asks you to go out of your way to do things for them? How about that uncle that always asks you uncomfortable questions at family dinners? Your partner might even do something that really annoys you or hurts your feelings. Everyone has been in an uncomfortable situation where they wanted to say no to someone, or wanted to tell someone to stop something, but didn’t know how to or didn’t want to make a scene or offend anyone. Most people have a natural tendency to want to please others, even if it’s something that we don’t want to do, don’t like doing, or feel uncomfortable doing. For example, your friend might always want to go out for dinner each time you see them, when you would rather stay at home and cook. Another example might be your boss asking you to do extra tasks when your workload is already full. However, it is not our responsibility to make everyone else around us happy and taking care of ourselves is most important.

Setting and keeping boundaries is an important part of mental, physical, and emotional well-being. If you’ve never heard of the term “boundaries” before, think of it like an imaginary line that separates yourself from others, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Boundaries help us limit the energy and effort we give to others so we can prioritize our own mental health. A more concrete example of a boundary would be like a property line that separates houses. When a person buys a house, they buy a lot of land that is theirs. Yes, they have neighbours in the general vicinity, but it’s common courtesy to not walk all over somebody else’s lawn or pick flowers from their garden without their permission. When you’re riding the bus, you don’t expect a stranger to come and take a seat on your lap, even if the bus is full. Physical boundaries with strangers are in place all around us and have become more or less “societal norms.” But boundaries, particularly emotional boundaries, become blurry and difficult to navigate when they’re with our friends and family.  

Boundaries look different for everyone. One person may put up a boundary with their friends if they are trying to quit drinking. Maybe they’ll tell their friends that they don’t want to be invited out to the bars, or they don’t want them to talk about getting drunk in front of them. Boundaries can also be off limit conversations. For example, if when you attend a family dinner someone always asks you when you’re getting married or having children, but you aren’t comfortable discussing that, you can request that these topics are off-limits and ask to talk about other things. 

Professional boundaries with your employees or co-workers are also important. For example, if you are a teaching assistant, you might have a boundary up with your students that you don’t discuss too much information about your personal life. You may not want to add your students on social media because this crosses the line between your professional and your personal life. 

Boundaries are also necessary in intimate relationships. For example, if your partner wants to spend all their time with you it could be a lot. In this case you might request that you guys spend some time apart doing other activities. Physical boundaries with others are also important to discuss. Some people love receiving hugs, and others don’t like being touched. Neither is right or wrong, but it’s important to clearly communicate what your boundaries are.

People often talk about self-care in terms of taking a bath, working out, or reading a book. However, one way to practice long-lasting self-care is by setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. One nice thing about boundaries is that they are dynamic, ever evolving, and will change with you as you grow, meet new people, and become aware of what you need for your mental or physical health. There are four important steps to setting boundaries:

  1. The first step in creating boundaries involves identifying areas in your life where you feel you need them. Think about your relationships with other people. Maybe sometimes you avoid certain people because you’re worried they’ll ask you for something, or they’ll ask you to do something you’re not comfortable with. 

  2. Once you identify where you want to place boundaries, the next step is to write them out. Yes, write them down. It’s easy to think about boundaries or even say them out loud, but especially with close family and friends, it’s also easy to become relaxed with your boundaries or forget that they exist.

  3.  Once you decide what your boundaries are you need to communicate them to the proper people. For example, you could say to your friend “I don’t like it when you come over without asking, I need some time to myself after work, please don’t do that anymore.” 

  4. After you’ve clearly communicated them, give people some time to actually have a chance to respect them. If they continue to break your boundary, you will need to set consequences for breaking those boundaries. If people really want to have a good relationship with you, they will learn to respect your boundaries and if they can’t it might be time to reconsider whether this person or relationship is bringing you happiness to your life or causing you stress.

Creating and setting boundaries is a learned behaviour. With time and practice you will get better at it, and you will discover what boundaries you need for yourself with your friends, family, and co-workers. In creating your own boundaries it’s also important to acknowledge the boundaries that others set around you and to be aware of how to respect them. To get started on thinking about boundaries and how to set them check out this website for some PDF worksheets https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/.

 

References

https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

 


Claire Keenan