New Monogamy
Written by Martina Faitakis
Thumbnail Photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash
Anthropologists suggest that the concept of marriage dates back more than 4,000 years and originally served as an alliance between different clans. Some evidence shows that the first recorded marriage between one man and woman is dated from around 2350 B.C. Once mainstream contemporary religion became popular and the Roman Catholic Church rose to power in Europe, the institute of marriage became a religious sacrament between two people and was officiated with the blessing of a priest (or another religious leader). Fast forward to today and marriage comes in all shapes and sizes. If you’ve taken a sociology course on family structures you would have learned about the different kinds of marriage types that are the norm in different cultures. Some examples of this include polygamy which involves being in an open or intimate relationship with more than one person. For example, when one man marries multiple women, it’s called polygyny and when a woman has more than one husband it’s referred to as polyandry. However, in Canada, polygamy is a criminal offence and individuals who commit this crime can spend up to 5 years in prison.
Despite all the different kinds of relationships people can enter into, the monogamous marriage continues to be the most popular bond. However, divorce rates in North America are quite high. Statistics reveal that since 2008, around 40% of marriages in Canada end in divorce. In fact, our generation is beginning to understand that entering into a marriage offers the possibility of divorce and we are, therefore, beginning to marry less than the generations before us. One report by the Pew Research Center indicated that 25% of millennials are likely to never be married, which would be the highest percentage in modern history.
Cultural shifts in gender roles have inadvertent implications for our decisions about marriage. There is less financial and social pressure to get and stay married than there was for past generations. Despite this, another reason that marriage is failing may be due to absolute monogamy. Monogamy refers to the idea that you have one partner for your lifetime or one partner at any one time (referred to as serial monogamy). Many monogamous relationships and marriages are defined by this boundary and in most Western societies, anything outside of this boundary is considered infidelity or cheating. Further, cheating in monogamous relationships can consist of either sexual behaviour and/or emotional connections with a person other than your significant other.
Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash
In a TEDx talk about the “New Rules of Marriage,” Canadian sexologist Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, explains just how bad the state of marriage is today. She explains that in any other aspect of society, when something is failing this often and with such severe consequences, we do something to change it. She continues that if a vehicle has a problem, a recall will be issued. Alternatively, if the economy takes a hit, interest rates are adjusted. However, marriage is an institution that continues to fail and end in divorce, yet nothing has been done about it.
O’Reilly goes on to describe the concept of “Monogamish.” Monogamish is the idea that although you may be in a loving, committed, monogamous relationship, you have the option to explore other areas that break the boundaries of “sexual exclusivity” you have with your one partner. If you think about the spectrum of relationships, with monogamy (having one partner) on one end of the spectrum and non-monogamy or polyamory (multiple partners) on the other end of the spectrum, monogamish would fall somewhere in between. The concept of monogamish was popularized by Dan Savage, where he described his relationship with his partner to be emotional, practical, and loving, but to be able to sexually explore with other people. If you want to check out a podcast where he discusses “monogamish,” click here.
Dr. O’Reilly goes on to describe the different kinds of monogamish behaviours that couples can engage in. She also notes that a monogamish relationship is whatever you and your partner want it to be, and are both comfortable with. She describes one kind of monogamish to be “thought but not action.” Here you may have sexual thoughts or fantasies about other people that are typically “forbidden” in conventional monogamous relationships. However, Dr. O’Reilly explains that actually admitting to these thoughts and actually incorporating them into your relationship may provide some stability for you and your partner. The reason for this being that openly communicating and discussing these thoughts and feelings with your partner may actually reduce the power they have over you and decrease the chances that you will act on them. Humans have a tendency to want things more when they are “forbidden” or unattainable, so to have access to these thoughts and feelings may actually decrease the chances that an individual will have them. An example of these monogamish behaviours could be you and your partner fantasizing about other people (together or separately), but never actually initiating anything with others.
A second kind of monogamish is what O’Reilly refers to as “talk but not touch.” This version of monogamish takes it one step further than “thought but not action.” An example of “talk but not touch” could be flirting with people other than your partner. This can be done when you are with, or away from, your partner. The goal of adding these behaviours to your relationship is not necessarily with the intention of stopping either partner from “cheating” on the other, but rather to open the doors and explore your sexuality alongside your partner.
Although it may seem a little outlandish at first, the point of monogamish is to break down the rigid rules of monogamy and have a little fun. O’Reilly reminds us that if you push the boundaries a little too far and something is uncomfortable, there’s no shame in pulling back a little and re-grouping. She also notes that it’s best to do this in small steps. Start off by adding one or two behaviours to your relationship to see if it works and then continue adding more if you feel like it. If it’s not for you and your partner that’s okay too! There’s no “one size fits all” for marriage or monogamish and it’s important in any relationship to be open and honest about how you feel, with communication being key.
References
http://www.collaborativedivorcebc.com/articles/The-Reality-of-Divorce.php
https://theweek.com/articles/528746/origins-marriage
https://www.thespruce.com/history-of-marriage-2300616
https://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQIenKZLhxU
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE