Asexual Inclusivity
Written by Joyo Smit
Thumbnail & Banner Photo by Paul Tinsley
It can be difficult to know how to be inclusive to someone you might not relate to, such as members of the asexual community. Their experiences may be separated from what your life is like, and you may not realize the effects of the things you do. LGBTQ+ discussions tend to focus on gay and transgender members of the community, and while these topics are important, other members of the community are often sidelined. In this article, we will explore ways to be inclusive to individuals on the asexual spectrum. Whether you are a member or an ally of the queer community, there are things you can do to ensure these individuals feel safe and included.
People on the asexual spectrum (acespec for short) experience limited to no sexual or romantic attraction. This includes identities such as asexual, aromantic, demisexual, aroace, and more. These members of the queer community, like others, face discrimination and queerphobia, often called acephobia when against this group. However, this can look different than discrimination against transgender or gay identities. While other queer folk experience a lot of outright queerphobia, acespec individuals may encounter a more subtle opposition to their lack of romantic or sexual attraction. Although gay individuals may be confronted for holding hands with the same gender, members of the acespec community may be not taken seriously or told they will grow out of it when they get older. This, however, does not mean that their experiences are less worthy of attention and discussion. Queerphobia in any form or magnitude is important to address and dismantle.
If an individual comes out to be on the asexual spectrum, believe them! Listening to their stories and inquiring about things you do not understand can go a long way in making them feel included.
Like other queer identities, asexuality may be seen as a phase or a temporary identity. People may assume that asexuality is something a person will later grow out of when they are older and become more exposed to topics like romance and sexuality. However, acespec identities are similar to other queer identities in that they are not a choice. As will be discussed later, there are difficulties that asexual individuals face that would not be worth temporarily choosing or faking an identity.
There are societal expectations on how a person’s life should go, such as university, marriage, then kids. Deviations from this path are frowned upon. This timeline being used to control individuals to be productive members of society is called chrononormativity, as coined by Elizabeth Freeman in the book “Time Binds: Queer Temporalities, Queer Histories”.
This specified life path has roots in heteronormativity, where heterosexual relationships are seen as the norm and what everyone should strive for. It is oppressive and exclusionary of gay people, but even more so for acespec individuals. Parents may see the continuation of their family as a moral obligation that must be upheld by their children. They may pressure their kids, hoping to one day have grandchildren. While people who experience same sex attraction may end up finding a partner, getting married, and having or adopting kids, acespec individuals may not find this future appealing or at all possible.
What are the everyday effects of this social phenomenon? Media, literature, movies, work environments, and nearly every aspect of society push for a life that may not be wanted. Family or friends may consistently ask about when someone will find a future partner, when they want to settle down, or when they want to have kids. The key word here is “when”. People assume that the default life path is one that everyone will strive for and one day reach. There is no actual consideration of what the person wants. The constant pressure for romance or relationships may be overwhelming, an ever-present push towards a life unwanted. This can lead to the individual feeling misunderstood and isolated.
Some acespec individuals may be uncomfortable with certain conversations or jokes. These topics can include relationships and sexuality. While an acespec person’s comfort level with conversations like these can vary, it is good to be aware that they may feel excluded or uneasy. Some may enjoy engaging in these discussions, and others may not. If you’re not sure, it is best to ask.
Similarly, acespec individuals might prefer watching movies or shows that do not contain sexuality or a lot of romance. Parental guidance websites and similar resources can be helpful in identifying content like this in different forms of media. An acespec person’s comfort level, again, may vary surrounding these subjects in media, so it is beneficial to have a conversation about what would be best to avoid.
Everyone has different goals and desires, and everyone’s path through life will be unique to their personal interests. For acespec individuals, relationships may be of little to no importance in comparison to their overall ambitions. No matter who you interact with, it is best to not assume what their future or their life will look like, and embrace the parts of life they are passionate about.