Written by Nancy Maria Fernandez

@nancymfernz

Thumbnail and Header Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

“Sorrows which find no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep.”

— Henry Maudsley

Crying. One word. Too many tears. Too many emotions. Way too much stigma. Whatever your attitude may be towards crying in public or in private, pretty much all of us have been conditioned to associate tears with something negative. When we think about crying and all that it entails, it naturally evokes generally unpleasant emotions. One could argue that it is probably because people tend to cry in response to things that cause sadness, anger, frustration, or something similar. Others might argue that crying leaves a person feeling empty, exhausted, and drained, and so we know right away that we’ll need some recovery time after a good cry. But the point of contention in this article is the underrated advantage(s) of crying and how the larger society and its norms prevent us from realizing the good side to shedding a few tears or more.

How Culture and Society inform Crying behaviour

In recent years, it has become more apparent that culture and society play a very important role in shaping individuals. The society that we belong to, the families that we were born into, and the culture that we were raised in, have a tremendous impact on the way we think, behave, move, and live. Some cultures may perceive crying as a form of attention-seeking behaviour or even a weakness, while a lack thereof may be misinterpreted as strength, hard-heartedness, and even cruelty. Sometimes, crying out loud could really just be a cry for help (pun very much intended). In recent times, however, the world has been witnessing attempts by activists, sociologists, and psychologists to rework and reimagine the narrative surrounding crying. Moreover, not all cultures look at crying the same way. The Japanese culture, for instance, has developed a more favourable attitude towards crying in public as marked by their implementation of “crying clubs” called “rui-katsu,” which means “tear-seeking.” In these crying clubs, people are allowed to have a good cry and embrace the cathartic effects brought about through the emotional outlet of tears. The creation of these spaces also promotes the social acceptance of crying and makes it easier for people to weep. This serves to bring about a positive change in Japanese society and is also something that we can all learn from with respect to the public display of tears.

The Highs of Crying

While we are more familiar with the negative aspects of crying, there are a great many advantages to it as well. A recent CNN article highlighted these benefits, most notably the cathartic and purgative effects of crying. In other words, crying helps us relieve stress and flush out negative emotions. Our bodies are in a constant state of finding a balance (seeking homeostasis), and crying enables us to strike such a balance between our bodily and emotional needs and external constraints. So when we suppress our emotions, it inhibits us from experiencing more positive feelings like joy, love and happiness. Dr. Judith Orloff, a psychiatrist at the University of California, believes that “crying and honouring your own needs and sensitivities is [also] a critical part of self-care.” At the biological level, crying also performs certain reflexive functions by keeping our eyes lubricated and by working to expel the effects that chopping onions and dust particles have on our eyes.

In defence of Crying Men

In this article, it is also important that we talk about the problematic phrase, “boys don’t cry.” It is a debatable belief because, in many societies, men who cry in public are often perceived as weak, spineless, and even feminine. Such a belief is not only misleading but is also quite harmful. While both men and women are unfairly judged for crying in public, it is more acceptable for (and expected of) women to weep than men. This controversial gendering of crying behaviour leaves men with fewer outlets for expressing their emotions besides anger. Furthermore, it effectively contributes to toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity, which is yet another product of the patriarchy, refers to the flawed beliefs surrounding traditional masculinity marked by unemotionality and violence that require men to suppress all other outward displays of emotions such as crying, in order to be regarded as ‘real men.’

In an article by Psychology Today, Dr. William Pollack, a professor of psychiatry from Harvard Medical School, contends that such culturally gendered norms of how men and boys are expected to behave can have serious unhealthy implications which can sometimes culminate in psychological disorders like ADHD and depression. “These are illnesses that we create as a society,” he stated. Pollack also referred to the problematic gendering of behaviour (that gives rise to behavioural problems among boys) as a “silent crisis.” In yet another article by The Irish Times, author Fiona Forman (who has a Master’s degree in Applied Positive Psychology) advises parents to teach their children (and essentially themselves) to accept all emotions as normal instead of suppressing them. “When we send children the message that it is okay to feel sad or upset and to cry, and we soothe and comfort them, we are validating their experiences and feelings,” she said.

However, lately, beliefs surrounding gender and gendered expectations have been changing and evolving. This is a positive development as it will help us to reimagine masculinity in a way that humanizes men and boys rather than perpetuate the image of the male as indifferent and unemotional. Actor Justin Baldoni did just that in his groundbreaking TED Talk where he said, “men need to recognize the power of their feminine qualities.” In an interview with Marie Claire magazine, Baldoni spoke about how he felt the pressing need to assume a ‘tough guy persona’ as a youth. He also touched on the severity of the existing gendered expectations at the time when he was growing up. Baldoni concluded the interview by laying emphasis on the need to “listen” in order for positive change to take root in society.

There have been plenty of debates happening over the years to address the problem of men and boys and their complicated relationship with crying. Closer to home, SMU is doing their bit through ManMade — a discussion group created exclusively for male students at our university to keep the conversation going about what it means to be a man in the face of toxic masculinity, traditional gender roles, social expectations, and how these factors impact sex and self-esteem. If you are experiencing stress or any kind of trouble, you can get in touch with SMU Counselling at counselling@smu.ca.

Final Thoughts

I believe that when it comes to creating positive change in society, we need to be more accepting and accommodating of crying people, especially men and boys. Sobbing can be just as powerful as anger when it comes to communicating and expressing emotions. In this era of the pandemic especially, crying can help relieve the mounting stress, anguish and frustration. So never shy away from having a good cry.