Written by Caitlyn Skelhorn

Thumbnail and Header Photo by David Brooke Martin on Unsplash

Every queer person is familiar with the concept of coming out of the closet, whether they are out or not. To come out of the closet is to announce one’s sexuality or gender identity to the world or a small group of trusted friends. Coming out can be incredibly scary, even if you know that the people you plan on telling will still respect and accept you. Coming out can be done all at once or, more often, in small steps. There is no right or wrong way to come out of the closet; there is only the way that feels right to you. However, there is one step of coming out that every queer person has in common. Realizing you are queer. The realization that one is queer can happen at any age and can be immediate or take years. Some people are sure of their sexuality or gender identity before they even get to junior high, and some people are only beginning to question their identity in their 50s. Read on to learn about different coming out experiences, and note that names have been changed for privacy.

The first story is Sydney’s experience with realizing she was bisexual and how she came out. Ever since Sydney was in elementary school, she never understood why the girls had crushes on boys, and the boys had crushes on girls; she didn’t understand why she was supposed to like girls and boys differently. Then, when Sydney was ten years old, she saw posters for an “LGBT conference” and asked her family what LGBT meant. They told her that LGBT stood for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender but didn’t explain any further. This was the first time Sydney had ever heard these terms, and she researched them to learn more. During Sydney’s research, she found herself drawn to the term bisexual - it explained that she didn’t necessarily have to feel differently towards boys and girls and that other people felt the same way.

Now that Sydney knew she was bisexual, she started wondering how and when to tell people. She knew her family was supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but she was still worried they’d see her differently or wouldn’t accept her. In junior high, Sydney decided to tell her friends first and see how the experience went. She explained that she likes girls and boys and is drawn to someone’s personality regardless of their sex. Sydney’s friends were supportive and didn’t see it as a big deal. The fact that her friends took it so well made her a little bit less nervous and lifted some of the weight off her chest. Still, she waited another two years to tell her family because even though she knew deep down that they’d still love her, she knew it would be devastating if they didn’t react well. When Sydney finally told her family, she was very nervous and decided she wanted a quick escape to collect her thoughts afterward. Sydney told her family that she liked girls and boys and left them to mull it over. Sydney’s family didn’t see her any differently, and they still loved her. Soon after, she told everyone else in her life and began to showcase her bisexuality by wearing pins with the bisexual flag and including it in her social media. Sydney is very proud to be openly queer.

Not everyone realizes who they are right away, and when they do, they don’t always accept it. Catherine is a happy and proud lesbian living with her partner, but she has only recently accepted that she is attracted to women. Through junior high and high school, when Catherine was asked who she had a crush on, she picked specific boys because all the other girls liked boys, and she assumed she had to as well. Catherine wanted to feel the validation from a boy’s attention even though she wasn’t actually attracted to them, and always felt anxious when thinking about dating boys. Finally, after a few years, Catherine decided to “suck it up” and date a nice boy. The validation of a boy’s attention and having a best friend made her feel good even if she wasn’t attracted to him. It was then that Catherine began hearing about the LGBTQ+ community and started to learn about it.

Catherine felt drawn to the LGBTQ+ community but noticed there was still a lot of taboo around being gay - people around her still used the word “gay” as an insult. She thought that being gay would be so hard, that everyone would see her differently, and she couldn’t do it. It was then that she decided to like men, no matter how difficult it was, and began to repress her feelings. A few more years passed, and some of Catherine’s friends came out as bisexual. The normalization of girls liking girls resonated with her, and she came out as bisexual. Catherine’s decision to come out as bisexual was motivated by the fact that she was attracted to girls and assumed she had to be attracted to boys rather than actually being attracted to both men and women. Catherine didn’t know any lesbians, and being different from most people scared her. Pretending to be attracted to men was tiring and put a strain on her mental health, and a year after realizing she is a lesbian, Catherine decided to tell her friends and family. The decision terrified her as she was scared people would treat her differently, but her friends and family were incredibly supportive, and Catherine felt a weight lift off her chest. If being gay had been discussed more as Catherine was growing up, she may have come out much sooner, but she is relieved she can finally be herself now.

Unfortunately, not everyone receives support when they share their identity with the world. For example, Eric is a gay, transgender man who experienced an extra obstacle while coming out: his family didn’t accept him. Even when Eric was young, he was drawn to boys, boy’s activities, and was bothered when people saw him as female, though this wasn’t a big problem for him until puberty. His body was changing in ways he didn’t like, and his guy friends started to see him as one of the girls. Eric developed self-esteem issues and wore baggy clothes to hide his “girl’s” body -he even wore sweaters in summer. Eric grew up in a small town, didn’t know any transgender people, and assumed all girls were miserable with their bodies. Eric tried dressing feminine and embracing the parts of himself that he hated, but every minute of it was terrible as being seen as a girl disgusted him. Finally, Eric realized that a lack of self-confidence wasn’t his issue; he wasn’t a girl.

Once Eric realized he wasn’t a girl, he tried explaining that to people. Eric liked boys, but how boys liked boys. Eric was slowly learning about gender dysphoria, a feeling of distress when one’s body differs from their gender and not identifying with one’s assigned gender. The feelings described online resonated with him. There was a transgender man Eric followed on social media documenting his transition, and Eric was envious of this man living as his authentic self. Finally, Eric realized that he had the option to live as his authentic self as well. Eric started playing as male characters in video games and presenting as male on social media sites, and it felt fantastic. He began to buy boy’s clothes and use more masculine nicknames, and even though the dysphoria was still present, it was a relief to know he didn’t have to live as a girl. Once Eric had told his friends and was himself online, he decided to tell his mother. Eric was terrified his mother would be angry or not accept him, but he knew he was a man and was disgusted that people saw him as a girl. Eric’s mother was slow to understand and thought he should just “embrace his body,” but he explained that the feeling was more profound than not liking his body: he was not a girl. Eric’s mother still used his dead name, the name he was given at birth, for two years after he told her, and no other family knew he was a boy, but his friends were supportive and accepted him as a man. Eventually, Eric transitioned socially, picked his name, and used male pronouns exclusively. He felt amazing. Now Eric has begun the medical transition, and even though the process of realizing his identity and coming out was brutal, he is glad to be openly himself in all aspects of his life.

These stories showcase people’s different experiences with coming out, but they are in no way the only ways for one to realize their identity and tell the world. Coming out is one of the most personal decisions and experiences one goes through. Whether you know you’re queer early in life or realize it after you’ve lived through decades, coming out is scary and can be difficult as not everyone lives in a safe environment. You do not need to be out to be queer, however, once you come out, it often feels like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders, and you can finally live as your authentic self.

The Coming Out Experience

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