Healthy Masculinity
Written by Joyo Smit
Header and Thumbnail by Mattheus Ferrero
Introduction
Recently I played a game called “Tell Me Why”, the first high-profile video game with a transgender main character. This character, Tyler, owns a book called “The Transgender Man’s Guide to Healthy Masculinity”. While this book unfortunately does not exist, it made me think about my own relationship with masculinity. Why do so many men compromise the happiness of others and themselves, just to seem more masculine? What does healthy masculinity look like? How do we get there?
Harmful Masculinity and its Effects
From manspreading and taking up someone’s personal space to a lack of sympathy for other men, masculinity can materialize in all sorts of harmful forms. As a result, both the man and the people who surround him may be harmed. This is often referred to as toxic masculinity: a collection of male social habits rooted in traditional beliefs.
Traditional masculinity demands that a man be self-sufficient and not be clouded by emotions. A man asking for emotional support from another man may be seen as weak or gay. A man’s relationship with another man should be competitive or neutral, never caring or affectionate. As per traditional gender roles, a man should not seek comfort from a woman either, because he should not show her his weakness. This is further worsened if the man does not respect women or see them as more than a romantic or sexual object. The conclusion here is that men do not feel able to communicate their emotions without compromising their masculinity. Deep connections cannot be achieved because of how men are socialized and expected to behave.
It is no surprise, then, that male loneliness is such a big problem today. Alongside more women rejecting relationships and social media stunting relational abilities, a perfect storm of loneliness has been created, exacerbating the effects in more recent years. Traditional masculinity means putting others down to feel validated; homophobia, sexism, and transphobia are often used as stepping stools. But this does not have to be the only definition of masculinity.
My Experience
As a transgender man, I have a very unique perspective on masculinity. Since it was not something I was raised with or socialized as, my masculinity and what it means to me is purely self-reliant. While I have always wanted to be recognized as a man, the way that masculinity manifests in me was something I had to explore.
To me, masculinity is about strength. However, I see strength quite differently than a lot of other men do. It’s about being a person to rely on in tough times. It’s about having the courage to be vulnerable, both for your own sake and for others. It’s about forming strong connections that are uplifting for everyone involved.
I, however, am far from perfect. With my transition, I ultimately want to pass as a male. This can sometimes lead to undesirable behaviour, where I do whatever is necessary to appear masculine, mirroring other men who were socialized as men. It is important to remember that healthy masculinity is not a destination where everything is fixed once it is reached. It requires vigilance and self-reflection to stay accountable for how masculinity is presenting itself.
How to be Masculine in a Healthy Way
While the way a man is socialized is not his choice, there are ways to break out of it. It takes conscious work to unlearn the harmful view of masculinity that so many were taught from a young age. Though it isn’t easy to do so, the benefits are beyond worth it. Forming true, strong bonds with others is something that can’t be replaced.
This kind of change does not require the complete abandonment of masculinity. Instead, I think of it as a reframing of perspective. Virtues like strength and courage typically associated with masculinity can be portrayed in a conductive way.
First, allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others goes a long way in being able to find connections. Not only is it incredibly courageous to do so, but it shows others that you are a safe place for them to do the same. Healthy masculinity also looks like respecting minorities. As previously discussed, some men put others down to feel powerful. However, a more stable masculinity has self-sourced strength, without needing to diminish other people. Finally, taking time to understand your own faults and shortcomings is beneficial. Being vigilant in the way your masculinity presents ensures that you do not unconsciously hurt someone else or yourself. After all, socialized behaviour is very difficult to unlearn.
Conclusion
Masculinity can look different for every man, presenting in ways that are uplifting or in ways that are damaging to those around them. For the latter, relationships may suffer and minorities may suffer as a result. At the end of the day, every man should do the work it takes to unpack their own definition of masculinity and rebuild it in a healthy way. Though this work isn’t easy, it is crucial to ensure men are uplifters and supporters in their communities, as they were meant to be.
Resources
If you or someone you know needs emergent care, call 911. For non-emergent mental health support, call the Nova Scotia Peer Support Phone Service or the Provincial Mental Health and Addictions Crisis line. SMU provides therapy and peer support services through the Counselling Centre.