Part-time and Heavily Armed

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Responding to a major scoop, The Journal has learned that Saint Mary’s University’s top brass will make a ground-breaking announcement on April 1st. The University’s administration will confirm what is sure to be the student body’s worst fear: starting September 2018 all professors—tenured and adjunct—will be armed. As a response to the gun-crazy mania of our neighbours, South of the border, university officials have decided better safe than sorry.

As for the university’s growing part-time faculty, the armed requirements certainly take the glaze of a job that is increasingly insecure to begin with. University administrators contend that for a salary of approximately $3000 to $5000 per course for part-time professors, they should be able to take on the risks and responsibility of being armed. Students need to feel safe on campus and the only logical way to ensure that is through arming teachers.

“We see it as a great opportunity for adjunct professors to diversify their portfolios. In this increasingly precarious labour market, having a resume concentrated on academia can limit job opportunities. This new approach is a win, win for everyone. Part-timers can explore other job opportunities like security—perhaps part-time law enforcement—whilst also possessing the necessary skills needed to protect students should the need ever arise.” An official said in a brief interview when asked about the forthcoming policy changes.

Asked what dangers students need protecting from, the same official responded, “No comment.”

The official then added in hushed tones, “Let’s not forget that a radioactive carrot is the head of state South of the border, so we can’t rule out the need for arming our professors.”

The reality for most adjunct professors is that now, as already underpaid and overworked educators, they will be required to undergo the training to carry firearms on campus. Questions about who will pay for the arms have gone unanswered, but word has circulated that the University will reimburse professors for the costs. Where these funds have magically appeared from, no one is certain.

As for students returning in September, not only will they be taught by an ever-increasing stream of adjunct professors, they will also be underpaid and armed. University administrators refused to answer why it was a necessary precaution to arm teachers in the first place—or even perhaps why they do not pay their part-time professors more. Certainly, it seems that students will be more cautious the next time they try and leave a class 45 minutes early.

Simone Mutabazi, Section Editor

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