Consent 101
Written by Meltem Cana Etiz
Thumbnail Photo by Simone Secci on Unsplash
Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence
This article may not be comfortable to read. Please move forward using discretion and bear in mind that this is a delicate yet fundamental subject regarding public and personal safety. It is a privilege to be able to educate oneself on this topic. Until this is a normalized topic taught in grade schools and incorporated into societal values, we carry an outstanding responsibility to continue educating ourselves and others. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence, campus resources are available here or you can contact SMU’s sexual violence case manager by phone at (902) 496-8778 or email at sexualviolence@smu.ca.
Theory
The legal definition of consent in Canada under the Criminal Code is as follows “Subsection 273.1(1) defines consent as the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question. Conduct short of a voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity does not constitute consent as a matter of law.”
Let’s go over some absolute definitions and parameters of consent. Consenting to sexual activity requires the following:
Being of age and not vulnerable to exploitation. The legal age of consent in Canada is 16. However, a legal minor (below the age of 18) cannot legally consent to sexual activity with an authority figure such as a doctor or a teacher. There are several extensions to this limit, even for adults, generally in situations where the relationship is or has the potential to become “exploitative” of a person in a relatively vulnerable position, sexually or otherwise. The key point here is that one partner using their position of power over another in a sexual relationship is manipulative and can cause serious psychological harm.
Being sober. Many young adults will at one point or another “consent” to sex under the influence, however, impaired consent is not really consenting. Impaired judgement due to alcohol and other substances may impact our decision-making skills. It is true that inebriation may blur the lines and drive a person to conduct themselves in a less inhibited and messy manner. Ideally, consenting to sex would be done while entirely sober. Given the often unpredictable circumstances and try-all nature of youth, this is not always a realistic expectation. If you’re drinking but are unsure how to decide how many drinks is too many to give consent, blood alcohol level (BAC) charts can help you decide ahead of time. The legal limit to drive is a BAC of 0.08%. To put this in perspective, a person who is of female sex and weighing 120lb would reach the legal limit in two drinks. It’s a neat little trick: if you shouldn’t drive, you shouldn’t consent.
When the argument of “gray areas” arises in a conversation about sexual violence and substance use, the lack of clarity that surrounds consent education becomes obvious. I mean that literally. Consent is clear; able-to-put-it-in-writing clear, no-need-to-clarify-the-next-morning clear. If you are guessing at someone’s interest in an activity, you do not have their consent. “Maybe” is not a word that exists in consensual sex, and unfortunately “maybe” is often used in substance fueled situations. If you need to drink or smoke weed to want to have sex with someone, or if you think someone else’s substance use will increase the chance of them wanting to have sex, you might need to rethink your understanding of consent and work on becoming more informed and respectful of boundaries.
Being enthusiastic, certain and comfortable. My favourite definition of consent has always been “if it’s not a HELL YES, then it is a HELL NO!” and it stands up to date. This rule applies to every sexual encounter you will have for the rest of your life. Like many good things in this life, consent is a perishable commodity that expires quickly and needs restocking as often as possible. Whether it’s the first time with your partner(s) or the 100th, you need to give and receive consent with (and I can’t stress this enough) excitement. There also needs to be an environment of comfort and trust so that all parties taking part can feel free to revoke consent at any point. If someone needs to convince, threaten, intimidate, guilt, manipulate or otherwise obtain an involuntary “yes”, then this is defined as coercion. Coercion is not legal consent, therefore is a form of sexual violence. The I Don’t Owe You campaign by the Avalon Sexual Assault Centre seeks to highlight specific scenarios using striking visuals to convey the message that sexual activity isn’t owed, bought or earned. It is either given freely or not at all.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Application
While we may understand the concept of consent, learning to apply it in a variety of situations full of so-called “gray areas” is arguably the most important skill that is often the missing piece in many sexual violence awareness workshops and consent lectures. In saying so, I want to talk through some specific sexual scenarios and the application of knowledge on consent in navigating them.
Scenario 1: A Tinder hook-up gets quiet during foreplay and you aren’t sure if they are having the best time.
Correct Approach: Stop what you are doing and ask them if they are feeling well and if they’re still feeling “into it”. Making them feel comfortable in saying “No” or “I don’t know” is monumental in this situation. The best action you can take is letting them know there is no pressure to continue and reassuring them that they don’t owe you anything.
Scenario 2: A person you casually hook-up with from time to time starts listing off reasons why you should keep going and keep touching you after you tell them you need a breather.
Correct Approach: Tell them they should not be trying to convince you to have sex (this is coercion; refer back to Theory 3). Then tell them that you would like them to leave because you don’t feel comfortable enough to give consent.
Scenario 3: Your partner of five months comes home drunk demanding sex. You are interested but you are aware of how drunk they seem.
Correct Approach: Tell them that they cannot give consent until they are sober. Say no as a matter of principle. Give them the option of either waiting until they are sober or discussing the matter in the morning. In instances where you and your partner are both intoxicated, remember that two drunk people definitely do not equal sober, and such therefore still does not count as consent.
Understanding consent as a concept can be as easy as asking someone if they like to hug as you extend your arms. Thank you for taking the time to read this piece. If you have an additional 30 seconds to spare, make sure to visit the I Don’t Owe You project by the Avalon Sexual Assault Centre. If you have more time, please refer to the further educational material linked below.