Management’s Proposition to Help Students Get to Class on Time

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Ever have a class on the 3rd floor of McNally North and just not know how many flights of stairs you need to take to get up there? Neither does anyone else on campus. Picture this, you’re in a rush and it’s first thing in the morning, you have an 8:30am class and you don’t want to be late because Professor McDouggle has already had a talk with you about your tardiness. And as you walk up those steps, on your way to class, what exactly happens that grinds your gears? You climb up all those dreadful flights and accidentally enter the door leading into the 4th floor. Who can blame you? It’s way too early, and you haven’t had your morning coffee, so your calculations are off. And what kind of sin is it to have to go to a morning class and not be buzzed on coffee? I don’t know about you, but my concentration level is nil in the morning, especially if I haven’t at least chugged down half a cup of coffee yet.

To resolve these common occurrences that detract students from morning classes, management has come up with a great alternative. A student-walker. I know what you’re thinking, “student-walker? Is that anything like a dog-walker?”. I can see why there would be a correlation, but trust me it’s not at all what you’re thinking. See, a student-walker has the wonderful job of accompanying you to class for any dreadful morning classes. Have a class before 12:00pm? Well, look no further because you won’t ever miss out on coffee any longer. See, the student-walker will personally greet you on campus with a freshly brewed cup of coffee and merrily help you get to class. Are you grouchy first thing in the am? Don’t you worry, you can get a silent student-walker. Are you one of those weird perky individuals first thing in the morning? Well, you can request a ‘talker’. They’ll be able to accompany you with minimal leisure discussion. And get a hold of this, student-walkers know the fastest routes to get you to classes on-time and they can navigate the dreadful McNally building like the back of their hand.

Signing up for a student-walker is incredibly simple. Starting September of 2018, when you log onto Banner to register for a morning class, you’ll be given the option to also take advantage of the student-walker option. It’ll just cost you a mere $2,000 more – on top of your course fees – and $7,000 for international students. Management has yet to comment on why international student fees for the student-walker are so high in comparison, because it is essentially the same service. We assume that perhaps student-walkers accompanying international students will be versed in languages besides English? We have yet to get anything concrete on that. In the meantime, keep racking up on excuses for being late to your morning classes, because as soon as this initiative rolls into the new school year, Professors will no longer be as understanding.

Zahra Dhubow, Editor-in-Chief

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